16 Clues Your Friend Isn’t Really There for You, Despite Your History
Friendships often experience ups and downs. There are good times as well as rough patches along the way.
According to the American Psychological Association, healthy and stable friendships are important for well-being and longevity and help lower the risk of anxiety and depression.
On the contrary, toxic friendships can increase stress, reduce self-esteem, and cause distrust, isolation, and anxiety. Learning the signs of a poor friendship is important to keep your relationships happy and healthy.
1. Not Spending Time With You
Spending time together is an indicator of a strong friendship. Sure, life changes are inevitable and even unpredictable, like relocating to a new place or starting a family.
However, a true friend finds time amidst those changes. It can be a simple dinner or even a 10-minute phone call once in a while that will bring you closer over time.
2. Canceling Plans Often
A person may not be a true friend if they keep bailing on you without warning or apology. They may switch to a better opportunity instead of spending time with you or give vague excuses. Yes, it’s perfectly fine if somebody cancels on you. However, it shouldn’t be like that all the time.
These may be signs that the person does not genuinely value your friendship or time. It may help to communicate with them directly about this to better understand their situation.
3. Not Bothering to Know You
A true friend is interested in your interests and concerned about your concerns. They strive to know your thoughts, passions, and what’s going on in your life.
On the flip side, a toxic friend does not ask for your opinions or bother about what you are going through. Instead, they may talk about themselves or gossip about other people. You can try to be honest with them about this issue and communicate your feelings and needs openly.
4. Not Opening Up
Disclosing your personal concerns and experiences to someone indicates that they hold a special place in your life. It may deepen the connection between you.
Still, some people struggle to share their inner issues with others. They may divulge only superficial details about themselves and avoid deeper questions. This may have nothing to do with their feelings towards you, as it can be a personality trait, but it can still negatively impact your friendship.
5. Criticizing You
Constructive criticism can be beneficial, avoiding mistakes or helping you grow and improve. However, when a friend constantly points out your faults in a negative or unhelpful manner, it’s not fun anymore.
Harmful criticism can undermine your confidence and can damage your friendship. Friends can certainly give criticism with your best interest at heart, but when makes you feel inadequate and demotivated, try to talk about it with your friend.
6. Not Responding to Feedback Well
A healthy friendship does not push conflict away or pretend it is not there. Rather, it works through conflict openly and takes responsibility. A good friend listens to feedback, communicates with you, and invests in keeping a relationship with you.
In contrast, a toxic friend may withdraw, attack you, or project the problem onto you. Reaching a mutual understanding is not in the picture.
7. Not Celebrating Your Success
Part of a healthy friendship is rooting for each other’s wins, big and small. Mutual support and celebrating each other’s successes are signs of a true friendship.
However, a toxic friend may compete with you or hesitate to compliment you. They may minimize your achievements or become passive-aggressive about your success. These may be signs of jealousy or insecurity.
8. Sharing Your Secrets With Others
Trust is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. One of the oldest rules of friendship is not to betray each other’s trust.
But a friend who talks about you behind your back or spills your secret is not helpful or healthy. You can be honest about your feelings and call them out. You may even have to step away if the damage is too deep.
9. Gossiping About Other People
A person who constantly gossips about others can be a red flag. Their constant chatter about others might indicate a lack of discretion and loyalty, raising concerns about how they might speak about you when you are not around.
Healthy friendships are built on respect and trust. If you have a friend who likes to gossip, address that you don’t feel comfortable talking about people when they’re not there. Set your boundaries and rebuild your relationship around supportive communication.
10. Leaving You Out
Does a friend not invite you to events and get-togethers? Do they exclude you from group chats? Do they ignore you for other people?
These are all red flags of a friend who does not value or respect you. A true friend should count you in the group and make you feel you belong.
11. Making It About Themselves
A friend may interrupt you while you are talking or even dominate the conversation. They may also insist on what they want and disregard what you want.
If your friend talks too much, listen to them for a while, then politely raise what you have to say. If they control the decision-making, state your opinion and be assertive.
12. Trying to Change You
A true friend accepts you for who you are and appreciates your uniqueness. On the contrary, a toxic friend compares you with other people and suggests ways to change yourself.
Still, stay true to yourself and do not change for the approval of other people. Surround yourself with friends who accept and encourage you to be your real self.
13. Overstepping Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are an ingredient for strong friendships. Maintaining boundaries may improve your well-being, which may consequently enhance your relationships.
Nevertheless, a friend may have good intentions but not respect boundaries. They may involve themselves with your issues even though you did not ask them to. They may not take ‘no’ as an answer.
14. Using You
Friendship is nothing without a sense of equality or balance. However, a toxic friend may contact you only when they are in need — be it for money, transportation, or someone to talk to.
Otherwise, they are not reliable or available. They do not reach out to you to spend time with you or simply check in on you.
15. Abusive Behavior
Does a friend keep calling you names? Do they keep gaslighting or accusing you? Do they hurt you physically or damage your property? These can be among the many signs of an abusive friendship.
Abusive behavior in people close to you can be difficult to recognize and admit. Pay attention to your gut and leave the friendship; even seek the necessary professional help if needed.
16. Being a Bad Influence
A good friend looks out for and protects your well-being. On the contrary, a bad friend incites or pressures you to do risky activities. These may include not being cool if you’re not drinking, for example, even though you are uncomfortable with it.
In such cases, stand your ground by saying no and keeping your boundaries. Establish some consequences, and even keep a healthy distance if they do not listen to you.
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